Saturday, March 14, 2009

God's favorite way to kill quiz

From Landover Baptist Church

A Landover Baptist Bible Quiz

We all know God has historically killed or tortured those who rub Him the wrong way. What you may not realize is that God’s methods of maiming are as varied as his reasons for smiting people. A Biblical scholar/True Christian should have no difficulty determining God’s favorite way of torturing and/or killing less desirable folks in each of the following circumstances. Get the correct answers by clicking here


1. Which of the following are among God’s methods of punishing those who break His commandments?

A. He strikes them with plagues, burning fevers that consume the eyes, pestilence, consumption, blasting, the sword and even mildew.
B. He strikes them with hemorrhoids, scabs, itching, madness and blindness.
C. He sends wild bears to devour their children.
D. Any of the above, depending on His mood.

2. How does God handle people who make Him jealous by having a religion different than ours?

A. Trick question. God is not vain.
B. He has them burned with fire, shot with arrows, bitten by beasts, poisoned by serpents, stabbed with swords and dashed to pieces with rods of iron-man, woman and child including infants, the aged and virgins.
C. He gently nudges them in the right direction.
D. None of the above.

3. How does God kill whiners?

A. What? God wouldn’t kill people just for complaining.
B. Fire.
C. Earthquakes.
D. Terminal illness.

4. How does God prefer to torture those who somehow become enemies of His chosen people?

A. He breaks their bones and pierces them with arrows.
B. He sends hornets to kill them.
C. He has them eat their own flesh and drink their own blood.
D. All of the above.

5. How does God kill those who vacation in Egypt?

A. Sword.
B. Famine.
C. Pestilence.
D. Take your pick.

6. How did God express his hatred toward people living in metropolitan Babylon?

A. By destroying their livestock.
B. By making the women barren.
C. By turning the men into drag queens.
D. All of the above.

7. When a community’s sins really make God mad, how does God find comfort?

A. By killing a third of the people with plagues and famine.
B. By killing a third of the people with local warfare.
C. By killing a third of the people with international warfare.
D. All of the above.

8. Whom does God slaughter when He gets jealous because a community is worshiping someone else?

A. The women.
B. The babies.
C. The unborn infants.
D. All of the above.

9. How does God punish promiscuous folks, like men who have sex with both their wives and mothers-in-law and daughters of priests who sleep around?

A. He has their genitals mutilated so they can sin no more.
B. He ensures their misdeeds result in unwanted pregnancy or venereal disease.
C. He has them burned with fire.
D. Any of the above.

10. In Jesus’ time, how did the Trinity deal with nonbelievers?

A. They had one eaten by worms.
B. They struck one blind.
C. A and B.
D. None of the above.

3 comments:

Cole said...

It's even crazier what God did to Job and his family because Job was a righteous and upright man. The God of the Bible is a madman.

Very powerful post.

sunnyskeptic said...

That's fun. I love that if you make fun of someone, bears will eat you... That's one of my favorites.

Stardust said...

sunnyskeptic, nice blog you have going.

Yeah, the bear story is a horrible Bible tale, and I don't ever remember that one being told in Sunday School! Once again, most Christians overlook the evils of their holy texts.